When something feels off in a friendship, but you can't quite explain why
“And then she actually said, ‘I thought you were going to be home by seven.’” Your friend looks across the table at the guy beside her. “Like, apparently I need to submit a formal itinerary now.”
He laughs.
Your friend laughs.
You do too.
Because you know the story she's telling. You were there. And, honestly, it is a little funny.
Except she's changed a few details.
You weren't quite that unreasonable. She leaves out the part where she'd promised she'd be home by seven. She makes you sound a little more controlling, a little more ridiculous than you actually were.
But she's telling the story well.
The guy is interested. He's laughing. Your friend is having fun.
She glances at you, waiting for you to play along.
So you roll your eyes and laugh.
“Okay, okay. I sound terrible.”
Everyone laughs again.
And that's it.
The conversation moves on. Your friend turns back toward him. You take another sip of your drink and tell yourself it's fine.
She was joking.
She wasn't trying to hurt you.
You don't want to be the person who can't take a joke.
Besides, this is what you do with friends. You tease each other. You tell embarrassing stories. You give each other a hard time.
So why does something about it stay with you?
Not because of the joke, exactly.
Because she knew which version of the story would get a laugh.
And because lately, you've started noticing little things like that.
Sometimes the hardest part is admitting that something has changed
Friendships don't usually come with a clear moment when something stops working.
There may not have been a fight. No one betrayed anyone. You haven't decided that your friend is a bad person.
You may still love her.
You may still have wonderful nights together. You may still know each other's histories, families, inside jokes, and embarrassing stories.
And yet something has started to feel different.
Maybe you find yourself editing what you tell her.
Maybe you leave conversations feeling misunderstood.
Maybe you're increasingly irritated by things you used to brush off.
Maybe you notice that you spend a lot of time making allowances for her, while quietly wishing she would make a few for you.
It can be difficult to know what to do with that.
Because once you admit that the friendship isn't feeling good anymore, you're left with a question you may not be ready to answer:
What does this friendship actually have room for?
We can become very good at explaining away our own hurt
When someone we love does something that bothers us, there are usually plenty of explanations available.
She didn't mean it that way.
She's going through a lot.
That's just her personality.
I know she cares about me.
I probably took it too seriously.
It isn't worth making a big deal about.
Sometimes those explanations are true.
But sometimes they become a way of staying out of contact with your own experience.
You know something hurt.
You know you felt dismissed, embarrassed, disappointed, or taken for granted.
And instead of becoming curious about that feeling, you immediately start building a case for why you shouldn't have it.
Therapy can create room for something different.
We can slow down enough to understand what happened, what it meant to you, and why you may have become so accustomed to talking yourself out of your own reactions.
What if the friendship isn't what you thought it was?
This can be one of the more painful questions to face.
You may have believed this was the person who would always be in your life.
You may have built part of your identity around the friendship. Maybe you've known each other since college. Maybe you've been through marriages, divorces, children, moves, illnesses, career changes.
There is history here.
And history can make it difficult to see the relationship as it exists today.
People change.
Friendships change.
Sometimes the person who was exactly what you needed at one point in your life isn't able to meet you in the same way anymore.
That doesn't erase what the friendship has meant.
It also doesn't require you to keep accepting a relationship that no longer feels good.
Therapy can help you make room for both truths.
You can care about someone and recognize that you're hurt by them.
You can understand why someone behaves the way they do and still decide that something needs to change.
You can value the history of a friendship without assuming its future has to look exactly like its past.
Boundaries aren't always about saying no
Sometimes a boundary is a decision about what you are willing to participate in.
You may stop laughing along when a friend's joke actually hurts.
You may tell someone when something they said didn't sit right with you.
You may stop automatically accommodating behavior that has been leaving you resentful.
You may ask for something you have been quietly hoping the other person would notice on their own.
And sometimes, the boundary is internal.
You stop trying to convince yourself that you are fine with something when you're not.
You stop taking responsibility for making the friendship work by yourself.
You let yourself notice what happens when you aren't the one smoothing everything over.
This can be uncomfortable, particularly if you've spent years being the understanding one.
But understanding another person doesn't require abandoning your own experience.
What brings people to therapy for friendship concerns?
People reach out because they:
Feel increasingly disappointed or hurt by a close friend
Are questioning whether a friendship has become one-sided
Find themselves making excuses for behavior that bothers them
Feel taken for granted or misunderstood
Struggle to tell a friend when something has hurt them
Feel resentful but don't know what they want to change
Are unsure whether their expectations of friendship are reasonable
Are navigating a friendship that has changed after marriage, children, relocation, or another major life transition
Are trying to decide whether to repair, redefine, or step back from a friendship
Are grieving a friendship that no longer feels like it once did
Have difficulty trusting their own reactions in relationships
Want to understand why certain friendships leave them feeling smaller, anxious, or depleted
Sometimes people aren't even sure they have a problem.
They just find themselves thinking:
"Why am I so bothered by this?"
"Maybe I'm making too much of it."
"I don't want to lose this friendship, but I don't like how I feel in it anymore."
Those questions are worth exploring.
Therapy for Friendship and Relational Stress in Seattle and Throughout Washington
Seattle Counseling Center provides therapy for friendship concerns, relational stress, boundaries, and relationship patterns in our Queen Anne office and online throughout Washington State.
Therapy can give you space to understand what is happening in an important relationship, become more aware of your own needs and expectations, and consider what you want the friendship to look like going forward. If you're considering therapy, we invite you to schedule a free consultation. We'll answer your questions, learn a little about what brings you here, and help you determine whether working together feels like the right fit.