mindfulness

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion, where one extends compassion to themselves in instances of struggle, failure, or inadequacy, can be a tremendous therapeutic tool. Instead of ignoring or piling on to pain, it's reminding yourself how difficult this is right now, and asking yourself what you can do to comfort yourself.

Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading researcher of self-compassion, has identified three key components to self-compassion: 

  • self-kindness - being warm and kind toward yourself in times of personal failings instead of critical and judgmental.
  • common humanity - recognizing that we all make mistakes. Suffering is part of the human experience.
  • mindfulness - a non-judgmental, receptive mind state that allows you to have a more balanced approach to emotions

The more you open your heart to disappointments, frustrations, personal failings, and imperfections, the kinder you are to yourself and others.

In the therapy room, I use self-compassion on client's who are intensely critical of themselves. I often ask questions like, "How can you be kinder to yourself?" or "What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?" I'm aiming to pull the client out of their destructive thinking cycle and introduce a more compassionate and kinder way of thinking.

Test it out for yourself. Take the quiz to see how self-compassionate you are. 

Intrinsic Motivation, or how to get yourself to do something

Motivation can be tough to come by. 

Watching a movie sounds so much better than doing the dishes. Going for a bike ride is way more fun than doing the project you brought home from work. Grabbing a beer with friends sounds so much better than taking the dog for a walk.

So how can you get yourself to do the things you're supposed to?

There are two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is when we're compelled to do something to avoid a punishment or earn a reward, like a child cleaning his room because he doesn't want to get grounded. Intrinsic motivation is doing something because it's personally rewarding, and it's the real key for finding and staying motivated.

So how do you tap into that intrinsic motivation? What's the secret to unlocking your potential?

It's simple, really. Focus on why you're doing things. Align them with your values (which may take a little more soul searching.) Pay attention to the moment. Keep your attention and awareness on the moment instead of allowing your mind to wander. And look for the enjoyable moments. Sure, doing the dishes may not be fun, but pay attention to how much better it feels to have a clean kitchen.

Quick Mindfulness

Mindfulness and meditation can feel like a commitment. We can often find excuses or reasons not to practice. Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months, and months into years. Break the cycle.

Do one action mindfully.

Just one!

It could be something you do everyday, like brushing your teeth. Notice how the bristles feel against your teeth and gums. Notice the water, taste the toothpaste. Take a minute to be truly aware of the moment, without judgment.

Notice your train of thought. Bring it back to brushing. Feel the toothbrush in your hands, listen to the sounds it makes. 

Carve out the time. You can find it. 

G.L.A.D. - A simple mindfulness exercise

Incorporating mindfulness into your daily life doesn't have to take much time. This simple exercise takes less than 5 minutes and provides an opportunity for reflection, something we often forget to do.

G.L.A.D.

In a journal, reflect on the following:

G: Write one thing you're grateful for. It could be basic, like the shoes on your feet or the bed you can sleep on, or it can be a meaningful relationship in your life. 

I'm grateful for my dog, as she provides me entertainment and company.

L: Write one thing you learned today. It can be something you learned about yourself, about how you relate to the world, or a new skill or piece of information you discovered.

I learned I do my best work when my office is in order.

A: Write one thing you accomplished today. This is a small accomplishment (unless you have a big one to celebrate), but is a simple reminder of the things you do every day. 

  • getting out of bed
  • getting enough sleep
  • paying all my bills on time
  • making it to work on time
  • completed all my domestic chores

D: Write one thing that delighted you today. These are things that made you smile or laugh, things that entertained you, or simply made you happy.

I was delighted by the Youtube video I watched today, which made me laugh. 

Set yourself a reminder and practice this exercise everyday for a week. Notice how you feel during and after this exercise.

What I'm Reading

There's never a shortage of great reading material on mental health. I recently stopped at the store to pick up a couple things:

Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom by Rick Hanson. A great read on how contemplative practice can help harness your mind to cultivate happiness, love, and wisdom.

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives by relationship expert John Gottman. Relationship satisfaction plummets after the arrival of the first child, and Gottman offers six steps to keeping the relationship spark alive during the most difficult first months of a child's life.

The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. Introducing practices of mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy, four experts provide meditations and tools to sit with uncomfortable feelings. It's not just "thinking your way" out of depression, but developing a practice that works. 

Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol by Ann Dowsett Johnston. Part memoir, part journalistic investigation, Drink explores contemporary trends with women's relationship to alcohol. 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by shame expert Brene Brown. Brown offers ten guideposts challenging us to change our thinking from "What will people think?" to "I am enough."

Hope and Other Luxuries: A Mother's Life With A Daughter's Anorexia by Clare B. Dunkle. A memoir about a mother's struggle with her daughter's anorexia. Too often we're consumed with focus on the individual struggling with illness, but the entire family suffers.

Mindfulness Apps

meditation

Over the last few years Mindfulness, the process of active, nonjudgmental awareness, has exploded in the mental health field. It's a practice that's been proven to reduce anxiety, help with emotional regulation, and improve overall well-being. The goal is to become aware of what's true, moment by moment.

There are a variety of ways to practice mindfulness, including yoga and martial arts. The majority of research has focused on mindfulness meditation. 

If you've never tried meditation, it can be an incredibly difficult practice. I've found the Stop, Breathe, Think iPhone app to be a great tool for developing a practice. The app allows you to "check-in," with questions regarding your mood and physical state. Depending on your responses, the app generates guided meditations that vary in length to focus on specific topics. Best of all, the app is free.