marriage

When the Cause of a Sexless Relationship Is - Surprise! - the Man

The New York Times published a brillant essay from gynecologist Jen Gunter about sexless relationships and the implicit understanding that it's often the woman's fault. 

"Our society seems almost built on the erroneous idea that all men want sex all the timeso I imagine it would be hard for men to admit to a lower libido, even anonymously. I have lied about my weight on many forms. That doesn’t make me a broken person; it just proves that a cloak of invisibility doesn’t hide you from yourself. The most damaging lies are the ones we tell ourselves."

Relationship problems rarely get better on their own. Addressing sexual incompatibility in your relationship with a trusted therapist can be helpful in moving forward.

How to Sustain Desire in Long Term Relationships

"I find myself fantasizing about other people. Is something wrong with me?"

"I can't remember the last time we had sex."

"It just feels like a chore."

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We know you love your partner. You've been together for years. But something feels as if it's missing - there's a spark, an energy, a passion that's been gone for years now.

How do you maintain desire in long term relationships?

Pioneering sex therapist Esther Perel says that in her research, she finds two common themes. Couples find their partner most desirable when reuniting, when he/she is in his/her element, and when there's novelty

Reuniting with your partner means they've gone out and done something. For a while, I can anticipate what he or she is doing, where they are, and even long for their return. I missed you. 

Seeing our partner confident, self-assured, and in his or her passion where we find tremendous desire. My partner doesn't need me to do anything for him/her. Look at how confident she is on stage. Do you see all the people gravitating toward him?

And finally, bringing something new, original, or unexpected to the relationship brings us desire. I find my partner desirable when he surprises me. 

Dis-satisfactory sexual relationships happen and, while there's opportunity to implement these practices in your relationship, a trusted therapist can help guide the process. 

Relationship Activity Questionnaire

When relationships are in crisis, we often forget how or why attraction started in the first place. Use this worksheet to learn more about your partner, turning the focus temporarily away from problems.

"Do I really need therapy?"

Knowing when to ask for help a brave and courageous step. How do you know when or if you need therapy?

We all experience a range of emotions, from happiness and excitement, to grief and stress, and none of this is necessarily problematic. However, if your emotions feel out of control or unmanageable, it's time to seek help from a psychotherapist.

If you struggle with regular eating, hear voices, or have difficulty sleeping through the night, it's time to seek help.

If your relationships are suffering, be it a parent/child relationship, spousal relationship, friendship, etc., it's time to seek help. 

If you find yourself using (and/or abusing) substances to cope with unwanted feelings, it's time to seek help. 

If you no longer find pleasure from activities you used to enjoy, it's time to seek help.

If a friend, family member, or loved one suggests you need help, it's time to seek help.

A trusted relationship with a mental health counselor can drastically improve your life. 

Navigating Life Transitions

Transitions are a natural part of life, and even the most positive life changes can be stressful. Moving to a new city, losing a loved one, accepting a new job, becoming a parent, settling a divorce - all bring a mix of emotions. Navigating these life transitions can be aided with a few simple tools.

Expect the emotional roller coaster. Some days will be easier than others. You may feel a range of emotions, from angst and worry, to excitement and anticipation. This is normal! Curbing your expectations (and removing should's from your vocabulary) will help you adjust to the new normal.

View situations as opportunities. Just a minor tweak in viewpoint can make a tremendous change. Instead of viewing unexpected transitions as setbacks, challenge yourself to make a positive re-frame. This situation is a forced opportunity for you to learn and grow as a person.

Develop a self-care ritual. There's no time like the present to develop a practice that makes you feel happy. From painting, to bubble baths, to yoga, there are a billion things you can carve into your life to take care of yourself. Setting aside intentional time to nurture your body/mind/soul can ease the pain of a growth period and help gain perspective.

Get support. Talk to family and friends. Seek support from a licensed mental health practitioner. Attend a church or religious organization. Do what makes you feel understood and supported. Chances are, you aren't the first person in the world to go through this experience. 

Seize the moment -- a new chapter of your life is here!